Effective communication with your child
As a parent to three very different children it has come to my attention that their needs are totally different when it comes to what they actually need from me in our communication. For example, my 7 year old likes to talk endlessly about her day, her friends, her teachers, what she wants to be when she's older, the list goes on but you get my point...! My 10 year old however likes to share information about his favourite YouTuber, favourite television programmes and characters etc. He very rarely goes in to the nitty gritty of the day but still requires the time to communicate with me about what interests him! The eldest, being almost 16, likes to share very little!! (surprise, surprise!)
So how do we make sure that we communicate in the right way for our child? Thankfully, it's not that difficult and actually boils down to how well we listen!
1. Stop what you're doing!!
Have you ever called over a friend or family member's house and you're eager to share some news with them? You sit down with a cuppa, they sit opposite you and wham! they're constantly checking their phone? How does that make you feel? Like you're not worth listening to? Like your friend would prefer to scroll through their friend's countless selfies rather than talk to you? Like you're not interesting enough?
Well, it's exactly the same for our children. So, stop what you're doing!! Put your mobile down, close your laptop, turn the hobs down, whatever it is you're doing - stop! Don't get me wrong, it's not always that easy when you're trying to get one child ready for swimming club, the other needs a lift to their friend's house or needs help with their homework and you have an after work commitment, however if you can stop, then do it! If not, explain to your child that they will have the chance to tell you later on (just make sure you do!!) Give your child your undivided attention.
2. Listen Actively (Yup, just listen!)
How many times have you been in a conversation lately and you've prattled on about something for 10 minutes or so and the other person picks up on something you said right at the beginning or responds with something that you feel is irrelevant? Chances are they were thinking of how to respond to you throughout your conversation and didn't actually listen past the point when they knew how they wanted to respond!
When your child speaks to you all sorts of things will pop in to your mind. Sometimes you'll be inquisitive and want to know all the tiny details other times you'll want to try and fix their problems for them.........STOP.......and listen! Just listen!! What is your child actually telling you? It's so easy to get caught up in the tiny facts that we actually miss what's being said (or not as the case may sometimes be!) Is it important that we need to reprimand our child for saying/ doing something when in fact, they're trying to tell us something far more important? Do we need to interrupt them with our opinion? You guessed it....no, we don't! You can, however, smile and nod in encouragement.
3. Watch their body language
Can you remember a time when someone has spoken to you and their body language totally didn't match what they were saying? Maybe they were sharing what you thought was 'happy news' but in fact looked really sad or spoke in an angry voice? Maybe you've asked your child if they enjoyed the sleepover in their friend's house and they answered yes but looked away or sounded uncertain/ sad? The differences can be extremely subtle but could be telling you a lot! Be mindful of how something is being said. Does their body language match what they're actually saying?
4. Match their tone
I remember a time when I went to speak with my husband about a holiday I was excited about. I went into his study, feeling calm and happy and proceeded in telling him all about my ideas. His response was quick and loud, quite the opposite to mine, and I left feeling like I could't do anything right. It transpired that he'd just had a telephone call off an angry co-worker and hadn't calmed down before I'd spoken to him! Unfortunately, the damage had been done for me as I no longer felt the same buzz that I had previously. Has something similar ever happened to you where someone has responded in a tone that upset you or you felt was unwarranted?
When speaking with your child, match their tone! If they're speaking slowly, respond slowly. If they're speaking loudly, respond loudly (they'll soon quieten down!)
4. Maintain eye contact
Now, you don't need to stare at your child and it's ok to break eye contact if either of you is feeling uncomfortable. The point is, your child needs to feel listened to so don't be tempted to scroll through your social media, catch a quick glimpse of Coronation Street or start another conversation whilst your listening to your child.
5. Clarify what your child has told you
The idea here is that you repeat back to your child what they told you (or at least parts of it) but in your own words. This way your child will be able to see that you've really listened to them. If you're not sure about something, ask!
Our children communicate with us for so many different reasons! They may just want you to listen and in which case follow the steps above and job done. They may however want your help. How will you know which response they want? Ask them! By asking open questions (questions which deliberately seek a longer answer), your child will be able to explore their own thoughts and feelings and you can support them through the problem solving process. Some examples of open questions are:
- How does this make you feel?
- What would you like to do about this?
- How can I help you to make this better?
- Who can we speak to that may be able to help?
- Why is that important to you?
- I wonder what would happen if.......?
Closing thought
Whilst it would be a perfect world if we could all communicate effectively all of the time, don't beat yourself up about the times when you just haven't managed it! We're all human and do the best we can in the moment.
Thank you for reading my blog. if you found it useful or just enjoyed the read, please share it on Twitter @EmmaWellbeing or Facebook @EmmaEvansWellbeing
http://www.emmaevans-wellbeing.com
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