Getting more of the behaviour you want

Don't throw your food! Stop kicking the ball in the house! Don't hit your brother! Stop leaving your bedroom light on! Don't talk with your mouth full! You shouldn't tell your sister to get lost! Don't even think about playing your Play Station!  

Sound familiar to you? For lots of you, these types of statements will resonate strongly and no matter how many times we tell our children not to do something, they still go ahead and do it anyway!! I've probably spent hours and hours of my life retelling these types of stories to family members, friends or sometimes to anyone who would listen! I remember having countless conversations going something like this, "I can't believe [he's] smashed my favourite vase. I specifically told [him] not to kick the ball in the house. I warned [him] that this would happen. I just can't believe it! Why won't [he] just listen to me?"

And the fact of the matter is, your child is listening to you! They are 100% listening to the instructions you give them. So why don't they do as you ask?

What you see is what you get
As many of you are aware, when we think or talk about certain issues, we tend to visualise these things. I can certainly speak from personal experience when I tell you that when I'm having a conversation with somebody I can guarantee that images from what I'm hearing flood my head. (This isn't always a good thing!) If I mention the words 'chocolate cake' to you now, how many of you have imaged a chocolate cake? How many of you salivated at the thought? I know I did. 

Have a go . . . 
Take a moment to think about and answer the following:

• What did you have for breakfast this morning?
• Where would you like to go on your next holiday?
• What would your ideal home be like?

Did you notice that you 'saw' what you had for breakfast? You may have imagined where and with whom you were sat? Did you imagine yourself sat on a beach, sipping a cocktail maybe? Did you imagine a cosy log fire in a large oak kitchen? You see my point! When you think about things or someone asks you something, images tend to pop into your head. 

This time . . . 
Don't think about the following:

• Lying on the beach, the sun warming your face, while you look out to the sparkling blue ocean

How was that for you? I bet an awful lot of you pictured the scene to perfection! But were you supposed to? 

How many times have you been deep in conversation with someone and they've said, "Don't look now but . . ." and carried on their conversation and that's all you've wanted to do is look?!? It's not easy right, when someone tells you not to do something!  

According to some, the reason we want to, and indeed do things that we're told not to do is because there are no images for negative words - such as 'don't, never, not or no.' To understand what it is we're not supposed to be doing, the brain has to work out what the words mean. Therefore, we have no other option but to imagine the other words we hear. In the example above when someone tells us 'not to look now', we want to 'look now.' The images that we make can influence us to actually do it. Make sense? Some may question why adults can understand these types of statements, well, it's because as adults we have lots and lots of experience with language and what words mean. However, children are just learning language patterns and the meanings of words. It can be an extremely difficult time for them. 

So as you can see, your children will hear exactly what your saying but they will only form images (which can in turn form part of an instruction) to the non-negative words in the sentences. Here are some more examples:

As a parent:

• What you say: Don't hit your brother! What they hear: Hit your brother
• What you say: Don't talk with your mouthful! What they hear: Talk with your mouthful
• What you say: You shouldn't leave your bedroom light on! What they hear: Leave your bedroom light on

As a teacher:

• What you say: Stop talking! What they hear: Talk
• What you say: Don't run in the corridor! What they hear: Run in the corridor
• What you say: Don't squash two numbers in one square! What they hear: Squash two numbers in one square

What can you do
Using the knowledge that children visualise what you're telling them and that there are no images for negative words, you must tap into this 'visualisation process' in the best possible way for the best possible outcomes. 

1. Turn Don'ts into Do's

What exactly do you want your child to do? 

• Don't run in the corridor/ on the road - Walk in the corridor/ on the pavement.
• Don't talk with your mouth full - Tell me when you've swallowed that mouthful, then I can hear you better.
• Don't be so rough with your brother! - Be gentle with your brother . . . like a fairy touch.
• Stop! You'll break it! - Hold [that] really carefully. Put it down here. 

If you're ever struggling to find the 'Do' just ask yourself what it is you want your child to do or what you would do in this situation. 

2. Turn Stop's into Go's
This option involves noticing the unacceptable behaviour and giving choices to your child. You may have to be really creative to find an alternative. For example, if your toddler bites you, then you may want to offer them an apple to bite instead. The aim of this option is to ultimately get less of the unacceptable behaviour and so offering an apple may seem ridiculous but may in fact encourage appropriate biting. Look at the examples below:

• Don't draw on the [wall] - You want to draw? Here, have some paper to draw on.
• Stop shouting! - That's too loud for inside! Do you want to shout? You can shout outside!
• Don't tear pages from your book - You want to tear paper? Let's look in the craft box for some tissue paper you can tear and glue.....

It is important here to remain calm and remember that you want to encourage appropriate behaviour. By recognising and stating the unacceptable behaviour and offering an alternative, children are likely to get bored with the unacceptable behaviour because they're not getting a lot of negative attention for it. 

3. Offer effective choices
Children like to feel like they are in control over what's happening to them and so by giving them a choice, they feel respected, valued, in control and important. Of all the strategies, this one is possibly my favourite. Once upon a time I would have asked my child, for example, 'Do you want to bath tonight?' Now the thing is, the bathing wasn't really an option and so if she didn't want to bath then I would have an almighty battle on my hands. I hadn't realised that there was a way of giving options and getting what I wanted. That was until I became an NLP Practitioner. Nowadays, if I want my daughter to bath, I would ask, "Do you want to bath this morning or later on before tea?" This way, the fact that she has to bath isn't an option, however she does get to decide when she bathes. Win - Win!! Some more examples:

• Come and eat your breakfast! - Do you want to sit by me or by your sister for breakfast?
• Put your coat and shoes on now! - Shall we put our coats or shoes on first?
• Come and do your homework! - Do you want to do your homework before or after tea? or Do you want to do some of your homework tonight and finish it tomorrow or do you want to do it all tonight?

There are endless other ways in which you can modify your language in order to get the behaviour you want. If you'd like me to visit you or your organisation to share these ways, drop me an email on this address emmaevans-wellbeing@outlook.com, and I'll be in touch shortly. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog - I hope you enjoyed it!

Emma x
Qualified Coach and Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

www.emmaevans-wellbeing.com


A link to my other blogs:

• Effective communication with your child goo.gl/dVo9oX
• If you try . . . you won't succeed goo.gl/UaTppG
• Responding to your teen when the going gets tough goo.gl/kMyUZp
• A tip for negative self talk goo.gl/mjbSgy