Picture the scene: You've just arrived back from a stressful day at work and are stood in the kitchen trying to decide what to make for tea. You ask your teen what they might like to eat and they answer with a non-committal shrug. This infuriates you and you blurt out, "You make me really frustrated when you won't tell me what you want for tea," (or words to that effect!) and before you know it you're ranting about how ungrateful they are.....etc and the whole situation has exploded! Sound familiar?
Why we blame the other person and what actually happens
When something happens to us (i.e. a stimulus) it triggers an emotional reaction within us. Have you ever reacted (negatively) in a situation and wondered why on earth you reacted the way you did? Maybe you haven't been able to understand why you said what you said, or did what you did in a certain situation?
Teenage years can be extremely stressful and one thing's for sure, negative reactions are not conducive to you or your child. When we experience a negative reaction towards our child our initial reaction is to blame them for our reaction. For example, 'He made me so upset when he ignored me,' or 'She made me so angry when she slammed the door.' We see our upset and anger as our child's fault. It may seem, at the time, as though our reaction is their fault but in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.
So, how can we react in a non-explosive way?
1. Take responsibility for your own negative response and stop blaming them
Why we blame the other person and what actually happens
When something happens to us (i.e. a stimulus) it triggers an emotional reaction within us. Have you ever reacted (negatively) in a situation and wondered why on earth you reacted the way you did? Maybe you haven't been able to understand why you said what you said, or did what you did in a certain situation?
Teenage years can be extremely stressful and one thing's for sure, negative reactions are not conducive to you or your child. When we experience a negative reaction towards our child our initial reaction is to blame them for our reaction. For example, 'He made me so upset when he ignored me,' or 'She made me so angry when she slammed the door.' We see our upset and anger as our child's fault. It may seem, at the time, as though our reaction is their fault but in fact that couldn't be further from the truth.
1. Take responsibility for your own negative response and stop blaming them
As Freud once said, 'our feelings, motives and decisions are powerfully influenced by our past experiences, and stored in the unconscious mind, the primary source of human behaviour (1915).' It is all too easy to lay blame on someone else when you react in a negative way! How many times have you thought or said, "You make me really angry/ sad/ hurt when you..........." etc? Often, right? So, here's the thing! How you react to your child, is your decision!! Nobody else's! Yes, their actions may have triggered uncomfortable or negative feelings within you but ultimately it's your reaction, own it!!
2. Take a moment to recognise the feelings it has evoked
2. Take a moment to recognise the feelings it has evoked
This isn't always an easy thing to do but it will benefit you and your child if you can calm yourself and take the time to just notice what emotion you are feeling and where in your body you're feeling it. So, instead of reacting you're preparing yourself to respond. (A much healthier alternative!)
3. Breathe and stay calm (an optional extra but your child will thank you for it!)
Once you've recognised the emotion and where you're feeling it, make a conscious effort to slow your breathing. By doing this your stress levels will decrease and as a result you will feel more calm to tackle the situation (if there is actually a situation to tackle!) That can only be a good thing, right? Also, in emotional situations, isn't it better that we model healthy responses to our children?
4. Respond
Now comes the rewarding part. You've recognised that your feelings are as a result of your past experiences/ thoughts etc (even though you may not be consciously aware where they've stemmed from) and have noticed where in your body you're feeling them. You've calmed down with some deep breathing and now you're ready to respond. Instead of saying, "You make me feel _____ when you ___," a good starter is to say, "I feel ______ when you _______." By stating it in this way, you are taking ownership of your feelings and are avoiding the element of blame, which in turn avoids explosive reactions! By avoiding the blame element, the environment will be calmer and you should be able to discuss what has happened in a far better manner.
5. Apologise
Sometimes we react negatively due to our own mood and not actually as a reaction to what our teen has said or done. If, after taking the steps above you realise that this is the case, then it is always a good idea to apologise for your reaction. This will not only alleviate any negative feelings your child may be feeling as a result of your reaction but will model and reinforce good patterns of behaviour for your teen.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog,
Emma xx
Qualified Coach and Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
http://emmaevans-wellbeing.com
Emma xx
Qualified Coach and Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)
http://emmaevans-wellbeing.com
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