If you try . . . you won't succeed!!

Just try . . . 

• Just try your best! Don't worry about getting it wrong!
• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again!

How many times have you found yourself saying any of the above to your child? Maybe you take a look at their homework and after assessing its difficulty you decide that they may be able to do it independently and so you encourage them to have a go, to try it out. 

Maybe you're a teacher and find yourself telling your pupils to give a task a go and to just try their best! I'd like you to take a moment and think, how many times have you asked a child to try a task and you've visibly seen the shutters come down? They really don't want to have a go and then you spend the next 5-10 minutes (if you're lucky!) trying to persuade them to have a go! Yeah? Sound familiar?

It's normal but you can do better
Whether you're a parent, a guardian, a sibling or a teacher we use the word try because we want our children to learn something, to keep practising and to keep trying! This is completely normal but given that the language we use has a direct impact on behaviour, we can do so much better than to use the word try.

Until very recently I would have used the word try to encourage my children (at home and in the classroom) to do their very best or to at least give something new a good go. But who knew that there was built in failure in the word try?

Huh? Built in failure? You're not serious, right?

Here's the thing . . 
I want you to imagine that we are stood opposite each other and I ask you to catch the ball that I'm about to throw. Easy right? You catch the ball because the throw was simple. 

Now, I ask you to try and catch the ball. Immediately you expect the throw to be a little more difficult. It would be easy to assume that this time I may make the throw a little more challenging and that it may be more difficult to catch, yes? You may even consider trying to delay the catch or not attempting the catch at all. 

The fact is, the way I throw the ball is identical. The only difference, is your expectations of how difficult the second catch will be. 

How many times have you told someone that you'll: 

• try to meet up with them next week?
• try to finish a piece of work by the end of the week?
• try to have lunch ready by midday?
• try to be ready by 7 o'clock? 

You get the point? When you tell someone that you'll try to do something or be somewhere by a certain time, you're implying (unconsciously or consciously) that there's a chance that this may not actually happen (but you'll try your best.....oh wait!!) 

Tip for parents
Instead of using the word try with your children when you want them to do something, replace try with: 

• I want you to . . .
• I'd like you to . . .
• Or just give the direct instruction, e.g. clean your room please, take your plate to the kitchen please etc. 

Tip for teachers
Why not give the learning outcome or success criteria as part of your encouragement. So instead of using try to . . . , use:

• I want you to add the numbers in the units column.
• Which connective would fit in this sentence?
• Put the sentences in order so that the instructions make sense. 

(And remember, lots of praise when they do it!)

If you want to encourage your child to do something new . . . 

Remember, this is just one example of a 'limiting' word, the tip of the iceberg so to speak! The way we use our language has a direct impact on children's behaviour so make sure you choose your words well. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, 
Emma xx
Qualified Coach & Practitioner of NLP

http://emmaevans-wellbeing.com